Yesterday after I wrote, I went a little bit off my diet. For lunch/dinner, I did fine... I had a salad with walnuts, Asiago cheese and oil and vinegar, and a bowl of Amy's Lentil soup... but then at work I was still hungry. I fully admit to grabbing a few french fries off of some plates. But what I really wanted was some bread with butter, and I didn't have it. So I guess I have to just focus on what I did right. When I got home, I was still hungry, so I tried to appease my sweet tooth with one of those small 1-serving things of ice cream. The thing that really sucked was later... I celebrated 4/20 with my friends and had 2 pieces of chocolate and some potato chips. If I had just had one of those things (only the french fries, or only the ice cream, or only the munchies later), it wouldn't have been so bad. But I had all three. I woke up so disappointed in myself, and I really want to remember that feeling so I don't have it again. I promise to do good today and to stay away from the french fries at work and all other evil cravings.

I started off pretty decent today with a 40 minute bike ride. It was beautiful out, and I didn't really feel like slaving away on the elliptical. Plus, my arms and legs are still really sore from the weights I did yesterday and the Wii Fit I did the other day, so I decided to give the strength training a break. Bike riding instead of the gym was awesome. Last summer, I started biking instead of going to the gym, and I absolutely loved it. It was a different feeling, working out in the sunshine with a cool breeze around you. I've been waiting for the warmer weather so I can do that again. I love going to the gym, I honestly do, but sometimes I need to do something different, you know? I wish I could have rode for longer, but my legs are burning in pain from working out the last two days.

I plan on eating a nice healthy breakfast now, but I'm not sure what to have. I don't feel like I'm in the mood for eggs, and I don't think we have oatmeal. Hmm. I'll figure something out.

I just hope that I can accomplish my goal. Right now, my realistic goal is to lose 10 pounds before my first beach day. That is no where close to how much weight I want to lose, but it will make me feel better. I really want to lose 20 pounds. I need to actually. I hate the weight I'm at right now. If I could see 129 on the scale... I would be soooo happy. Just being in the 120's would make me feel better about myself. From there, I want to go down to at LEAST 120 or 115. I think I can do it if I try hard enough. I just can't let myself get side tracked and distracted. I HAVE to keep my goals in mind. I wish someone could give me that will power!

So I'm pretty proud of myself for how I did yesterday. I didn't cheat, and it felt fantastic! After I wrote, I managed to keep myself pretty busy, and succeeded, so I didn't eat anything else. I did have a tall Starbucks vanilla nonfat latte, though, so that counts as my snack. 


Sure enough, when I got home, I was STARVED. I was so hungry I wanted to raid the kitchen and eat everything. Instead, as I was waiting for dinner, I had a few handfuls of that granola I was talking about. For dinner, I had corn, roasted potatoes, and a veggie burger. Not too bad, I don't think. 


I did Wii Fit for the first time after dinner. GOD that thing made me depressed! I'll only admit this on here, but my age according to the Wii was 40. That's disgusting!!!!! And I was not at all happy with my weight or my BMI. So I will now be using the Wii on nights when I get home from my internship, or days I don't have time to go to the gym. It's not a huge calorie burner, but it's better than nothing. I worked out for about a half hour, doing strength training and yoga. I was actually very surprised by how sore I felt afterwards. I didn't think it would really work, but I guess I was wrong. I had a cherry Italian Ice as I watched a movie. 


Today I have been doing pretty well also. I finally made it to the gym! I worked out pretty hard on the elliptical for a half hour and then did some weights, focusing on my arms since I had just worked out my legs before and last night. When I came home, I was once again starving, but I fought off the cravings to eat everything in sight. I made scrambled eggs with cheese on an English muffin, and also had an apple with peanut butter. I was still hungry after, so I had 3 plain rice cakes. I'm not eating again until right before work, and maybe I'll have a little something after work, depending on how hungry I am. 


Tomorrow I plan on hitting the gym again and continuing to eat better. I already feel so much better about myself. Last night, I didn't go to sleep feeling disgusted with myself and with what I had eaten. I didn't go to sleep with a stomach ache either. I went to sleep feeling good about what I had eaten. I want to feel that way every night. The sense of accomplishment makes me so happy. I don't want to give that away just for some fattening foods! I'll write later to make sure I stay on track! 

I know I do this all the time - start a diet, write about it full of excitement, and then end it in a day. But this time I really desperately want it to be different. No - I actually NEED it to be different. I think it will be good for me to blog about it. I haven't had any dieting success in months. Things keep coming up and I keep procrastinating. But now, not only is summer around the corner, but I'm also completely miserable about how I look. It's getting warmer every day, and I find myself sticking to jeans, leggings, and long sleeved shirts to cover up my body. That can't go on much longer, and I don't want to feel horrible about myself every time I go out. I'm the only one who can change this and I NEED to do this for myself!

So I'm really starting today. I don't have much time before I'll be at the beach in a bathing suit - and I really don't want to feel extremely fat on the beach.

This morning, I woke up excited to start eating better. I didn't really get a chance to have breakfast, as I was running out the door to make the train. When I got to Us Weekly, I got my usual triple grande nonfat vanilla latte from Starbucks - I think I'm going to cut that down to just a plain latte, which will cut down on some sugar. I also grabbed a yogurt and fruit parfait with granola, about 300 calories. I didn't finish it, but it was better than no breakfast at all.

I had a pretty good lunch. I went to Pret a Mange and got a soup and half a sandwich. I like Pret because you can get half sandwiches there, and it has all the calories, and everything is usually pretty healthy. I got a miso soup, which is extremely healthy and only 50 calories - and it's basically all soybeans, so it's realtively filling. I also got half a falafel sandwich - it was on wheat bread, with tomatos, spinach, some kind of dressing and onions. I wasn't sure how it would be, but it was delicious and I believe it was only a little over 200 calories. So my lunch was filling and healthy, with really no sugar at all. I'm trying to get myself out of my current lunch habit, which is to eat something pretty healthy but ruin it with cheese and with a snack. I usually eat salads, but I can't help but put some cheese in there. And then I usually grab a bag of chips to go along with the meal. It's a waste.

Honestly, I'm still a little hungry after that lunch. It was really good, but there wasn't much to it. However, I know that I need to eat less, and that eating less will mean being hungry more. Especially at first. I need to just push through it. I'm at Us, trying to distract myself from the hunger. For later, I have a healthy cranberry-almond granola to munch on. I'm thinking that right before I get on the train, I'll buy a fruit salad to hold me over until dinner.

The other thing I have to work on is pigging out when I get home. I'll walk in the door starving for dinner, and instead of waiting for it to be ready, I'll start eating anything I can get my hands on: spare Oreos, handfuls of walnuts, cheese, pieces of cake. It's so dumb. So I need to just stop doing that.

Hopefully I won't get home too late, and then I would love to do some Wii Fit tonight after dinner. Even if it's just yoga or pilates, it will make me feel better. And I definitely plan on eating the gym in the am, whether it's getting up early enough to make the morning classes or spending some time on the elliptical and doing my own weights.

I really hope I can do this. I'll have to think of some inspirational things I can look at or think about each time I have a really bad craving for something bad. I'll keep you updated.